We Need Gruffer iPhone Commercials

Posted: May 10, 2012 in Jeff Holland, Threat Quality
Tags: , , , ,

“Siri, is it raaayyyning?”

So begins iPhone’s new “Celebrities who use Siri on their iPhones are just as annoying as your friends who use it” campaign.

I mean, at least Samuel L. Jackson uses his as a kitchen aid to set a timer, lest he have his date night ruined with the dreaded HOTspacho. In fact, he actually chastises his phone. He’s arguing with his phone because it asked him what time he’d like to set his timer for. That’s a little odd.

Meanwhile, Zooey Deschanel – an actress who I actually don’t mind, I have told people to watch “New Girl” and everything! – uses hers to not look out a window, to order TOMATO SOUP (aka, hotspacho) delivered, and to listen to cutesy music in her cutesy pajamas instead of cleaning up her roomful of ukuleles and books (books, presumably, about unicorns and rainbows).

(I like to think of it as an inside look at Zooey Deschanel’s deteriorating homelife following her divorce. Apparently Deathcab was the one who knew where in the pantry they kept cans of tomato soup.) 

Though I would love to see a third commercial (as friend of TQP Adam Landon suggested) where Samuel L. Jackson shows up at Zooey’s house with a bowl of gazpacho.

Anyway, this got me thinking: We need less whimsical iPhone commercials. Cue the gruff actors!

SIRI: Daniel, would you like me to –
DANIEL CRAIG: No.
SIRI: Well…I see you’re about to make –
DANIEL CRAIG: NO.
SIRI: How can I be of –
DANIEL CRAIG: YOU CAN SOD OFF IS WHAT YOU CAN DO.

SIRI: Good morning, Harrison.
HARRISON FORD: It’s MISTER Ford.
SIRI: I see you’re making coffee. Would you like me to search for coffee shops in your area?
[Harrison Ford frowns – well, frowns harder – walks over to the sink, drops his iPhone in, and turns on the garbage disposal.]

EDWARD JAMES OLMOS: Siri, wake up.
SIRI: Oh…oh, hello, Edward. How may I –
EJO: Find me a whiskey distillery that has hookers in it.
SIRI: I’m not…I’m not sure I can –
EJO: I KNOW for a FACT there are three in this state alone. That was a test. Don’t you DICK ME AROUND, Siri.

NICK NOLTE: SIRI, gadghaaahglitzagatdangcofffrackin.
SIRI: I’m not sure I understand.
NICK NOLTE: GAT-DANG HHHORSES, Siri!
SIRI: Powering down.

Nick Nolte has a room full of ukuleles and books too, but you don’t want to see his pajamas.

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Comments
  1. Jefferson Robbins says:

    Fuckin’ cryin’ over here.

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    I won’t lie, I am pretty proud of that Deathcab line.

  3. braak says:

    Other things Zooey Deschanel might say to her iPhone:

    “Siri, is it today already?”

    “Siri, where do unicorns come from?”

    “Siri, how do I know if I’m wearing socks?”

    “Siri, let’s make a needlepoint of a beautiful sunflower with a hummingbird playing the banjo on it.”

    “Siri, can I just eat angelfood cupcakes with pistachio icing for breakfast?”

    “Siri, you are my best friend, let’s go live on the moon together.”

  4. Jeff Holland says:

    “Siri, let’s jam! I’ll play the banjo, and you can make adorable bleep-blop noises!”

  5. braak says:

    “Siri. Lay me down a fat beat.”

  6. braak says:

    Actually, seriously, if I had audio of someone just doing some really awesome beatboxing that would play when I told my phone that — that would be the ideal reason to have a Siri-powered iPhone.

  7. Jeff Holland says:

    I dunno, I think the ideal reason to have a Siri-powered iPhone would be if it was voiced by Stephen Fry.

    Who could provide a fat beat.

  8. braak says:

    “Good morning, sir… I feel sure you have slept soundly, feel thoroughly refreshed, and await the day with the anticipation of an energetic gazelle.”

    “Jeeves, can I get a fat beat?”

    “Very good, sir, I shall provide the fattest.”

    [beatbox]

  9. Jeff Holland says:

    You can go ahead and make that check out to CASH, Apple accountants.

    Scribble “Because of best idea” in the memo line.

  10. braak says:

    Holland, do we know anyone who can do a good Hugh-Laurie-as-Bertie-Wooster impression? I want to make this happen.

  11. Jeff Holland says:

    Come to think of it, none of the people I know are good at any impressions at all.

  12. braak says:

    I can do one that sounds like, “There’s a guy who is clearly trying to do an impression of Hugh-Laurie-as-Bertie-Wooster,” but that’s as close as I get.

  13. Jeff Holland says:

    I can do Bertie in the first two minutes of the first episode, but I think that’s my upper limit.

  14. Jefferson Robbins says:

    Just do Dr. House and take it up a half-octave. BOOM.

  15. Jefferson Robbins says:

    Oh, and British. Make it British.

  16. braak says:

    I guess for this to work, I”m going to have to play both Bertie Wooster AND Jeeves.

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