Marvel, DC, Movies, Comics

Posted: July 15, 2012 in Braak, crotchety ranting
Tags: , , , ,

So, Marvel announced it was making a Guardians of the Galaxy movie a little while ago, but they just had a panel at SDCC and showed everyone some art from it.  I think Guardians of the Galaxy is a weird choice, especially because the plan is for it to lead into The Avengers 2, The Legend of Loki’s Gold.  Which, on the one hand, yeah, I guess you had to get [let’s just say it] Thanos involved somehow, but on the other hand, what?  I don’t know, maybe Thor 2 will explain some of this, because seriously, what?  Also, who fucking knows.

In the meantime, can we talk about Wonder Woman?

How in the sweet living FUCK is Rocket fucking Raccoon going to be in a movie before Wonder Woman?  Guardians of the Galaxy has a fucking raccoon with a laser gun and a tree in the shape of a man, and Warner Bros can’t get their shit together for long enough to put Wonder Woman up on screen?

I mean, yeah, sure — “Chicks can’t sell movies” is apparently a truism of the movie industry (or, anyway, it’s a truism that it’s a truism in the movie industry), but even if this abysmally stupid notion DOES rule the movie-greenlighting-process, it’s surely been demolished consistently over the last five or six years.  They made THREE Tomb Raider movies, for fuck’s sake, there’s SOME money in it.

And however you want to say that Wonder Woman doesn’t have a sufficiently large built-in fanbase — well, don’t say that, because are you stupid?  I guarantee you that ten times as many people know Wonder Woman as know Green fucking Lantern — if you do want to say that, let me remind you that Guardians of the Galaxy has a RACCOON with a LASER GUN.*

Let me also take a second here and point out that Joss Whedon — not a billion-dollar earner at the time, but certainly a known and, in many circles, admired quantity — wanted to direct it and has already WRITTEN THE SCRIPT.  This isn’t even a question of getting a production together, of coming up with a great idea and a new approach to capitalize on one of the most well-known intellectual properties on the planet — this is a question of just giving Whedon a pile of money and telling him to shoot the fucking thing already.**

I’m not even talking about this from an artistic standpoint, because you guys know:  I love art.  But even from a NON art standpoint, Wonder Woman.  Guys, WONDER WOMAN.  Everyone in America has heard of Wonder Woman.  Everyone!  From a purely capitalist, exploitative, cynical money-grubbing corporate perspective, this is still CONFOUNDINGLY STUPID.  You’re talking about a company that has consistently failed to exploit one of the most well-known intellectual properties in the country, it’s like a god-damned mining company that just keeps forgetting it’s sitting on an enormous vein of gold.

“Hey, guys, I was just thinking — what if we mined some of this gold that’s right here?”

“You mean this gold that’s leaping out of the cave and practically into our hands?  I don’t know, man.  I’m not sure about this.”

Warner Bros. does have a pretty serious history of failing to successfully exploit their properties, I guess; I mean, there’s still no Flash movie, despite the fact that there are literally dozens of people who could write a great Flash script in a week.***  On the other hand, Warners is taking a fifth crack at Superman and  has finally found someone to take on the challenge of the Metal Men, because ARE YOU KIDDING ME?


*That kind of sounds like I don’t like Rocket Raccoon, and that’s not true.  Yes, Rocket Raccoon is a raccoon with a laser gun who is friends with a sentient tree, but that is actually pretty awesome.

**Whedon and I have had our differences in the past, and frankly, I’m not even sure he’d be my first choice for a project like this, but he’s already GOT THE SCRIPT, so at the very least, this isn’t hard.

***For example.

  1. Erin says:

    At this point I half expect Marvel to produce a Squirrel Girl movie before Warners makes Wonder Woman. You know, just to make a point.

  2. Dave says:

    So, what you’re saying is that I have a chance of seeing a Beta Ray Bill film soon? Nice…

  3. Jeff Holland says:

    SDCC 2015: Marvel Announces ‘Great Lakes Avengers’ movie, Rooney Mara cast as Squirrel Girl, laughs and laughs and laughs

    DC announces it’s going to go sit in a closet and eat a box of Mallomars and fuck those Marvel guys

  4. Jason Gormally says:

    Three Tomb Raider movies? I recall two of them. Did I miss something?

  5. Jeff Holland says:

    Yeah, only two Tomb Raiders. Also we are coming up on our sixth Superman movie, not our fifth, no matter how nice it would be to pretend Superman Returns didn’t happen.

    Shoddy, Chris. PRETTY. SHODDY.

  6. braak says:

    Well what the shit is THIS, then?

    I also wasn’t counting Superman IV, since that was Warners basically just licensing the property out to Golan-Globus.

  7. Jeff Holland says:

    A pretty hilarious fan-film, from the looks of it:

  8. braak says:

    Hey, man, if some punks can get themselves riled-up enough to scrape together some cash and make their OWN TOMB RAIDER movie, then Warners has absolutely no excuse.

  9. Jeff Holland says:

    DC at Comic-Con 2013: “If you assholes want a Wonder Woman movie so bad, why don’t YOU make it?”

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