James Bond is a character who can teach us many lessons about how to survive this cold, cruel, confusing world, and so I like to try and extract what lessons are available for my edification. The following are a few notes that I picked up from Skyfall:
1. Bitches can’t shoot straight.
2. Get those black ladies out of the field and behind a desk, pronto.
3. If MI-6 is fucking up, it’s probably because you just need to put a dude in charge.
4. Preferably one who cut his teeth shooting Irishmen.
5. If you go to a casino in Macau, and there is a giant komodo dragon slithering around in a pit, then someone is going to get eaten by that komodo dragon. (This rule is called “Chekhov’s Komodo Dragon”.)
6. If you see a naked lady in a shower, the best practice is to take off all your clothes and just get right in the shower with her, even if you have only talked to her for two minutes an hour ago and she doesn’t know you’re there and her boat is full of armed guards. (This only works if you are James Bond, I guess.)
7. James Bond is hell of ready to let suckers die before he kicks everyone’s ass. This is called “professional courtesy,” you should learn it.
8. Dame Judi Dench made grenades out of shotgun shells, glass, and nails, which she used to murder some mercenaries. That means that Dame Judi Dench is ten thousand percent more rad than you or your mom.
9. Albert Finney is impossible not to like.
10. Times are tough for white people these days, what with all the computers and minorities, but as long as we’ve got our invincible murder-machine ready to cap suckers and maybe take a couple names if he remembers to (he probably won’t remember), we will be all right.