Things I Have Learned from Skyfall

Posted: December 3, 2012 in Action Movies, Braak, reviews
Tags: , , ,

James Bond is a character who can teach us many lessons about how to survive this cold, cruel, confusing world, and so I like to try and extract what lessons are available for my edification.  The following are a few notes that I picked up from Skyfall:

1. Bitches can’t shoot straight.

2.  Get those black ladies out of the field and behind a desk, pronto.

3. If MI-6 is fucking up, it’s probably because you just need to put a dude in charge.

4.  Preferably one who cut his teeth shooting Irishmen.

5.  If you go to a casino in Macau, and there is a giant komodo dragon slithering around in a pit, then someone is going to get eaten by that komodo dragon.  (This rule is called “Chekhov’s Komodo Dragon”.)

6.  If you see a naked lady in a shower, the best practice is to take off all your clothes and just get right in the shower with her, even if you have only talked to her for two minutes an hour ago and she doesn’t know you’re there and her boat is full of armed guards.  (This only works if you are James Bond, I guess.)

7.  James Bond is hell of ready to let suckers die before he kicks everyone’s ass.  This is called “professional courtesy,” you should learn it.

8.  Dame Judi Dench made grenades out of shotgun shells, glass, and nails, which she used to murder some mercenaries.  That means that Dame Judi Dench is ten thousand percent more rad than you or your mom.

9.  Albert Finney is impossible not to like.

10.  Times are tough for white people these days, what with all the computers and minorities, but as long as we’ve got our invincible murder-machine ready to cap suckers and maybe take a couple names if he remembers to (he probably won’t remember), we will be all right.

  1. Jefferson Robbins says:

    I liked how James Bond got his boss killed and went right back to work, her prized ceramic bulldog under his arm.

    In fact, he may have let her die just so he could get that bulldog.

  2. braak says:

    I think the symbolism is that HE IS THE BULLDOG. Ugly, mutt-faced man (Daniel Craig) wrapped in the British flag, gnawing and farting and drooling for England.

  3. Jefferson Robbins says:

    Elements of classic Bond resurrected: Sexism, veiled racism, subtle homophobia, sadism, delusional post-Imperialism.

    Elements of classic Bond killed off: Neato gadgets, THAT SWEET ASTON MARTIN OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

  4. dorkmanscott says:

    Addendum to #6: this is especially appropriate when one of the only things the woman told you in your two minute conversation is that she has a long and painful history of sexual abuse.

  5. braak says:

    I would argue that it is DOUBLE appropriate.

  6. benjb says:

    There’s some weird calculation going on where “let’s bring back the old car” comes along with “let’s bring back the old sexual order, bitches for everyone!”

    Also, if you’re a villain with a personal grudge who wants to take out the old lady personally, first send in your nameless goons, then have your attack helicopter shoot up the place, then throw in some grenades–that’ll really soften her up for when you want to kill her with a personal touch.

    Oh, I totally had a third thing about how Irish imperialism is great, but Hong Kong imperialism is bad, but WHY THE HELL IS YOUR SECRET LIST OF NATO SPIES IN TURKEY?

  7. braak says:

    Tom Cruise left it there after he stole it in Mission: Impossible.

  8. John Jackson says:

    Sexism, of course, but veiled racism? That’s a bit pulling hairs. If she had fucked up in the field, I could maybe see that argument, but she didn’t. (And I don’t consider the moving target shot to be a mistake on her part, it was an impossible shot.) She was great, she just didn’t like it. So now she effectively admins the entire MI6 home office. Everything else is a fairly appropriate breakdown though.

  9. braak says:

    No, after she shot James Bond, she also then stared in shock instead of shooting a second time.

    Also, remember when she couldn’t drive?

    Chicks, you know.

  10. […] The truth is, you can electrify pretty much anything. « Things I Have Learned from Skyfall […]

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