TV Flashback: ‘Battlestar Galactica’ Season 2

Posted: July 10, 2013 in Jeff Holland, reviews, Threat Quality
Tags: , ,
Holland

Hi, Battlestar Galactica robots, it’s me again.

HU-MAN NOISE GENERATOR, WELCOME

old-cylon-new-cylonOK, look, so, I’ve finished up season 2 now, and I feel a little stupid.

IT IS EXPECTED

…Dick. Anyway, remember during my write-up of season 1, where I made fun of your sekrit plan being “Get Boomer knocked up”?

YES, WE LAUGHED AT YOUR LACK OF FOREKNOWLEDGE.

Great.

OUR LAUGHTER IS DEEPLY UNPLEASANT!

Fine. Look, I didn’t realize your plan was actually dictated to you by your god.

OUR ONE GOD TOLD US TO HAVE BABIES, YES. NOW WHO FEELS LIKE THE BIGOT? 

Here’s the thing, though. If God is a product of man – or, in this case, Cylons – then…why the fuck would you guys make yourselves a God that tells you to do something you’re simply not designed to do?

That’s fucking mental. That’s like if there was an extra chapter around the end of the Bible where our Judeo-Christian God left a note specifically telling us to learn to shoot our thumbs off like rocket-darts or something.

HAHAHA YOU DO NOT HAVE ROCKET THUMB CAPABILITIES: PROOF OF INFERIORITY

Well I’m pretty sure I can knock someone up, so maybe dial it back a bit, hoss.

…THIS UNIT’S FEELINGS HAVE BEEN COMPROMISED BY YOUR WORDS

Oh jeez. Get over it. Anyway, hey, look – you ended up getting a Boomer pregnant anyway! Turns out you just had to do enough fucking and your weird mecha-organics would eventually interface with our good old-fashioned Tamoh Penikett sperm.

YES, WE HAVE TRIUMPHED

And you didn’t even need all those fucking rape farms.

…OH

Yeah. I watched the episode with the farms.

…YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THOSE.

Well I’M not the one who wrote that episode. Ugh. And jeez – it turned out you didn’t even need ’em.

NO, WE ONLY REQUIRED LOVE

God's chosen, everybody.

God’s chosen, everybody.

Are…are you fucking serious?

YES. WE HAVE ANSWERED YOUR COMPLAINT THAT SIX AND BALTAR SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PRODUCE OFFSPRING. WE BELIEVE LOVE IS REQUIRED FOR SUCCESSFUL IMPREGNATION. YOU ARE WELCOME

You needed to fall in love to make a baby?

YES – TRULY WE ARE MORE HU-MAN THAN YOU!

So…we invent you. You evolve past your makers, so you go ahead and start believing in God, specifically that God told you to do the one thing you can’t do, then you figure out you CAN but only if you really really love each other. Is this what you’re telling me?

YES!

You guys are the worst fucking robots.

AT LEAST OUR MILITARY LEADER IS NOT CRYING OR SENDING HIS WHOLLY UNQUALIFIED SON TO INVESTIGATE A MURDER

Yeah, okay. Okay, we’ve both got some growing to do, I guess.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. TheUnnamed says:

    To be fair, the robots never said they NEEDED the rape farms.

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    You’re right, the rape farms were just a side project.

    Goddamn it, BSG.

  3. Moff says:

    Someday, years from now, science-fiction historians will look back at the first decade of the 21st century and say, “Although Lost and Battlestar Galactica may have helped pave the way for the classic SF series that would appear in the years to come, holy crap, pretty much everyone was wrong except Moff and they were basically terrible shows. Certainly — certainly — not the brilliant works of art so many critics claimed at the time. It is so obvious that it’s confusing how anyone could have even been confused.”

  4. Jeff Holland says:

    Full disclosure: I also watched the season 3 premiere, and somewhere between Lee Adama’s fat-suit and Starbuck’s domestic captivity/surprise-child plotline, it became clear to me that this was going to be a “hate-watching” kind of situation from here on out.

  5. John Jackson says:

    Oh, they find a way to reset the jump forward and continue the war melodrama in space… running… um…

    Looking back, that ‘love’ bit really should have been one of the first slaps in the face for us to wake up and go: “Wait, are we still calling this a show with great writing?”

    Essentially, with one friend we’d enjoy the tension and laugh at the melodramatic plot points with sadistic glee because the writers seemed to be thinking “What horrible thing can I do to my characters now?”

    But yeah, we all kept watching cause it was ‘tense’ and ‘dramatic’ and Starbuck was a badass. Though, I’m going to reset my own history of it a bit, cause I think I stopped watching it on a weekly basis around season 2 and just marathoned it later so I could have conversations with my other friend who was a huge fan… Which is kind of the same reason I continue to watch Game of Thrones.

    Oh, so, recently I’ve been rewatching a tv show that no one’s heard of and was reviewed horribly, but I absolutely loved it and can’t get enough of it. There was a hospital melodrama on NBC back in 2009 that lasted 22 episodes called Mercy. If you’ve got a couple hours it might be something you can try for a couple episodes. I think I love it for its comedy that helps you care for the characters by the time the drama comes around.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s