Harry Potter and the Endless Domestic Drama

Posted: August 1, 2013 in Braak, poetics
Tags: , ,

Harry Potter just turned thirty-three.  Threat Quality Press has received THIS exclusive outline for the next seven books of his adventures.

Harry Potter and the Glengarry Plot

Some years after the Battle of Hogwarts.  Ginny has left the Hollyrood Harpies to care for her family.  Harry is taking a creative writing class at the Learning Annex, but is too embarrassed to show anyone his poetry. 

Harry blows their savings on a bogus real estate scheme, forcing Ginny to work as Quidditch Correspondent at the newspaper.  Harry starts drinking.  He and Ginny have a fight and he threatens to leave her and take the children with him.

They go to marriage counseling.

Harry Potter and the Marriage that Will Never Be the Same

Albus Potter is sorted into Slytherin House and becomes friends with Scorpius Malfoy.  He starts asking everyone to call him Severus.  Harry prevails upon Ron and Hermione for a loan to help pay the mortgage, but, over an extremely tense dinner, discovers that they’re stretched thin as it is.

Later, Ron reveals that he had an affair with Luna Lovegood – he and Hermione are “working through it” – and he suspects that Ginny isn’t being faithful to Harry.

Harry confronts Ginny about the possible affair at parents’ night at Hogwarts, becoming convinced that she’s sleeping with Draco Malfoy.  Harry knocks Draco out; everyone is deeply embarrassed.  Harry is suspended from his job as an Auror.

Harry Potter and the Storied Days that Slipped Away

Ginny suggests a trip to her friend’s house on Santorini, hoping that she and Harry can rekindle the spark of their dying relationship.  Harry inexplicably insists on inviting Ron and Hermione.  Ginny grows frustrated when Harry spends all of his evenings talking to the Ron and Hermione, drinking and reminiscing.  Finally, she admits to having an affair with Harbell Twilthorpe, Seeker for the Puddlemere United Regional Quidditch team.

There is an explosive fight, and the vacation is cut short early.  The Potters return to find that Severus has been arrested on possession with intent to distribute, after being caught with sixteen ounces of marijuana, and sentenced to six months of rehab.

Harry Potter and the Appetites of Youth

Harry leaves Ginny, who gets custody of the children because Harry still has a restraining order against him after assaulting Draco Malfoy.  Political pressure in the Ministry prevents Harry from returning to the Aurors.

Harry plans to stay with Ron and Hermione after leaving Ginny, but they inform him that they’re undergoing a temporary separation; Hermione will take the children to Hungary for a few years, while Ron rents a one-room flat in London and won’t have any space. 

Harry stays with the senior Weasleys, instead, and has an ill-advised liaison with Victoire, Bill and Fleur’s sixteen year old daughter.  They’re discovered, and Arthur Weasley, out of respect, says that he won’t file statutory rape charges as long as Harry leaves immediately.

Harry Potter and the Longing that Never Ends

Harry retreats back to Santorini with the intention of writing his memoirs.  Victoire surreptitiously follows, but quickly grows tired of Harry, who won’t stop drinking and has filled the house with snakes, in the hopes that he’ll learn to speak to them again.  She eventually leaves him for a half-blood Greek wizard named Vyron.

Harry attempts to impress some of the local girls with stories of his exploits, but Greece was far from the Battle of Hogwarts, and no one here has heard of him.  Despondent, he throws himself into the caldera in the hopes of committing suicide, but washes up on shore in Oia.

Ginny has a nervous breakdown after Severus disappears from rehab.  She goes to her parents’ home, while James and Lily stay with Neville Longbottom and Hannah Abbot.

Harry Potter and the River that Only Flows in One Direction

Harry publishes his memoirs to critical derision but much popular acclaim.  Ron and Hermione won’t speak to him anymore, since he excluded much of their participation from the events surrounding the defeat of Voldemort.  The only person who will talk to him is Neville, who was pleased to be left out of the story, preferring to leave the whole affair behind him.

Harry visits James and Lily often, but doesn’t feel confident taking back custody, secretly suspecting that Neville will be a better father to them than he is.

Ginny sues Harry for back child support after Harry begins receiving royalty checks for his memoirs.

Harry Potter and the Slow Descent

Ron is arrested for solicitation in an anti-prostitution dragnet in London, then publicly disgraced when he tries to use his background as a hero of Hogwarts to escape prosecution.  Harry, who has lost the bulk of his new wealth in the legal battle over his royalties, finds a job managing a souvenir shop in the Cotswalds, carefully concealing his scar so he won’t have to answer questions from curious children.

Ginny moves to America, where she publishes her own book about finding herself after living so long in the shadow of the Famous Harry Potter.  The children remain with Neville and Hannah, who pay for James to attend school for addiction counseling.

Hermione dies in a dragon accident in Hungary; her and Ron’s children move in with their grandparents. 

Severus reappears after spending several months as a drug mule running cocaine across the Mexican border.  He meets Harry at the souvenir shop, and is furious because he wants something from his father, but doesn’t know what it is.

Harry tries to understand when the distance between himself and his son became too great, but realizes that his own preoccupation with the exploits of his own youth blinded him to the events of his son’s.  They part, leaving their relationship unresolved.

Shortly thereafter, Severus is in a severe car accident, resulting in the death of a Muggle driver.  Harry tells everyone that he was the one who was driving, and is sentenced to a year in Wizard Jail for manslaughter.

Severus disappears again.  Harry returns to writing poetry while in prison, but doesn’t show it to anyone.

  1. Nathan says:

    And now I’m sad…

  2. Levellers, Diggers, Ranters says:

    The age of consent in the UK is 16, so those charges wouldn’t stick anyway.

    But yeah, the rest of this is worryingly realistic.

  3. braak says:

    Well, it’d still be pretty sleazy, I guess.

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