On the Evening of My Surgery

Posted: November 19, 2014 in Threat Quality

I’m fine!  Everything’s fine.  I am not sick, I am not dying.  This is a voluntary, elective procedure that the doctors do all the time, as routine as the extraction of one of my many organs could possibly be.  I’m told this one is particularly redundant, and once my wounds heal I won’t even notice that it’s missing.

I am going to be offline for a few days, and probably (hopefully) for longer than that.  I want to take my recovery period to scale back on my internet usage, to get some of my other work done.  So, I don’t want anyone to worry about that. I’ve got two books two finish at least, not counting a third book that everyone is waiting for and I’m slowly starting to feel like they’ll never get.

I’m a huge disappointment to myself, is what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, even though I know that everything is fine, and the dangers associate with this procedure are very, very low, I’ve got some feeling of…

not doom, exactly, not anxiety, not dread.

Finality, I suppose you could say.  I imagine that some line is crossed, some great change will happen, and things will never be the same.  (I don’t really believe this, intellectually; I don’t believe in grand conversions or great changes, I believe that life is a slow accretion of experience, however abrupt it looks.)

It’s kind uplifting.  If I don’t die now, and if I ever do die sometime in the future, I hope I can face it like this — not with eagerness, not with delay, but with readiness.

(I am not going to die, I am being silly and dramatic.  I just got to talk my way through it, because if television and movies have taught me anything, it’s that the worst things happen to the people who hope for the best.)

Lately it seems like there’s a lot of shit happening in the world, like we’ve got so much work to do, like we’re never going to get it all done.  We probably won’t get it all done.  But there’s still good.  I know there is, because when you look for good, you find it.  You always find it.

Okay, whatever.  Whatever else happens, I just wanted to let you guys know that I have found many of you to be relatively tolerable.

Look to the good, guys.

See you around.

–braak

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Comments
  1. Very best of luck. I’ll make sure to keep an insanely stubborn argument waiting for you.

  2. mbourgon says:

    Good luck, Chris. As one of your fans, know that the doctor will comment on the handsomeness of, yes, even your internal organs.

    You should get it framed. At least make him let you take it home in a jar.

    Be well, and good luck. We’re all rooting for ya.

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