White guy, what has happened to common courtesy? If there’s one thing Americans have always respected, it’s authority. But suddenly, it’s OK to mouth off to the cops? And I seem to remember a time when you could engage in an honest debate in this country without the thought police banging down your door and clamoring that you “hurt their feelings” or “triggered” them or “choked them to death on video.” That was a time when ALL lives mattered, not just those that are taken with impunity by the people sworn to protect us. Where are the days when a man was considered innocent until the 35 women who accused him of legitimate rape were halfheartedly discredited?
I wish I could offer you solace in this moment, my little saltine. But I can’t. As a white woman, long the maker of your sandwiches, I have also walked among the harbingers of the world to come. I’ve been to some meetings. They don’t want me to tell you, but I think you deserve to know.
The world you predicted in your insightful and foreboding slippery-slope arguments has gained unstoppable momentum, and the end of your enlightened reign is near. An army of SJW’s are preparing even now to implement the New Order. Racism will be reversed. Alpha men will be ground under the heels of jack-booted feminazis. You fought a good fight down in the trenches of the comments sections. But tragically, it wasn’t enough.
I am sorry.
I’ve spent my whole life comforting you: shoring up your fragile sense of superiority, doling out wide-eyed praise, giggling apologetically as you groped me on the bus. We’ve had some good times, haven’t we, white guy? It’s hard to believe that this cooing female assent will soon be as quaint and hipsterish as organ grinding or print journalism. On so many occasions I have nodded mutely as you explained your reality- excuse me, reality to me. It would be selfish not to return the favor now.
Mental Health & Hygiene
One thing you’ll need to get used to right away is being crazy. Once the world is turned upside down, what we currently know as the unquestionable and immutable Truth will become something called “your perspective.” Your perspective won’t really matter, as you will be crazy and so will the things you think, say and claim to experience. Bear this in mind if you feel like talking, especially if you feel like questioning the validity of the New Order, which you should probably just start to think of as “the way things are.” Don’t say shit that doesn’t jive with the way things are. That’s crazy. Nobody is going to listen to a crazy person. OK, crazy?
It might take a while to get a hang of mistrusting your own opinions, but there are a wide variety of coping strategies that can make it easier, such as drinking and comfort eating. Just don’t overdo it. Being a fat disgusting drunk hardly sends the message that you deserve to be heard. Neither does a lot of whining about the problem. Irritating people is not a good way to get them on your side. If you want respect, act like someone who deserves respect! It’s on you to convince everyone to treat you like a person, and everyone is busy. Whatever strategy you choose to deal with your craziness, it’s always important to remember to direct negative feelings inward.
As a straight white man, you’ve spent most of your life as an individual, since your gender, race and sexual orientation have been not identifying qualities, but the invisible nothing that is the foundational and inherent nature of human existence. It’s like you didn’t even HAVE a gender, race or sexual orientation! That’s going to change. From here on out you’re going to be a straight white guy. Straight white guy first, everything else maybe later. Got it?
You might be wondering how “white” can serve as a defining characteristic, since race isn’t even really real and is just a social construct, man. Don’t worry, the new regime is gonna get it all constructed for you. A number of attributes will be assigned. When they are, you might feel the need to struggle against what the world sees as “white,” and that’s natural, you go right ahead. We can always make new sub categories of white to contain you.
After shit goes down, you will finally be able to fully inhabit your natural masculinity. You can remain emotionally detached from those you love, endure hazardous conditions without sign of weakness, and be recognized for the savage rapist you biologically are. I’m sure that’s a relief unless you’re some weird anomaly of a broken man who doesn’t fit that description.
One more tip- you’re going to need to pretend to be gay when you are in public. Most people won’t have a problem with the weird shit you do in your private life if you don’t shove it in their faces.
What’s that sugar cube? You don’t want everyone to judge you solely by the fact that you’re a straight white man? But when you think about it, by saying that, aren’t YOU the one who is defining himself as an outsider? I mean, you’re the one who just said that sentence with ‘straight’ and ‘white’ and ‘man’ in it. I’m not saying those words. You are. Maybe if you didn’t focus on it so much?
Use What You’ve Got!
Although your race, gender and sexual orientation will be widely understood as shameful, there are good things about you guys, too! Your people have natural skills in concrete thinking, adhering to hierarchy and individual striving. Take advantage of these good traits when white schools, neighborhoods and institutions are forsaken! Why, you’ve been talking for years about what you would do if you were in other people’s situation! Here’s your chance to really do it! It’s a blessing, if you look at it that way.
Now, if for some reason you don’t succeed (that is, if you turn out to be lazy or incompetent) you are going need some help. Keep your eyes out for beneficent people who might take pity on you. Pay close attention to what they might want. Do you have a life lesson to impart? Maybe you could be a Magical Honky or Manic Pixie Dream Boy. Ask yourself, “how do normal people look, talk and act?” Would you fit in better if you permed your hair? Softened your voice? Waxed your chest? There is always something you can change about yourself to endear yourself to powerful people.
I’m not going to lie to you, because you are a big strong man and I think you can take it. Even with all these helpful strategies, sometimes things are going to get rough. Be sure to keep some comforts in place.
- Bros- A tight knit group of white guys whom you can vent to about this new reality will be very helpful. Just be mindful that you all are going to be competing for limited resources, so don’t over-trust. Also remember that gathering too publicly will make you pretty threatening, which can sometimes elicit a violent response.
- Relax- You’ll be shocked how much just being white is going to take it out of you, so you deserve to take it easy. Watching movies can be a great way to slow down, and also instructive of your role in society. If you’re too narrow minded to identify with a regular protagonist like the rest of us, most movies will feature an Emotionally Repressed White Best Friend or a hilarious Boring Straight Tax Attorney.
- The Best Medicine– Did you hear the one about the straight white guy who was being romantically pursued by a bouncer? Just as this straight guy is frantically throwing everything in his suitcase to get out of town, the bouncer shows up and says “I’m gonna help you you pack your shit!” HAHAHAHAH! What? Come on. Seriously? Get a sense of humor. Or maybe it’s because rape isn’t a terrifying threat for you yet. You know what they say “It’s going to be funny because it’s going to be true!”
Finally, and I cannot possibly emphasize this enough stay positive! You may not be the one who gets yourself into this mess, but there’s no denying you’ll be the one who is in it! Nobody likes a negative person, and in the world that’s coming, nobody NOBODY is gonna like an Angry White Guy. Less Malcolm, more Martin. Or whatever the white version of that is.
A bright smile can really help you through when you get beaten up or shot. Like, by the police for example. And without a bright-side philosophy, the constant need to check your surroundings for potential rapists might start to get you down. When the person who beats, rapes or kills you not only escapes punishment but is also defended and celebrated, it could be a total downer for the kind of person who dwells on the negative. Especially because everyone’s going to say that what happened to you was your fault. Especially if it is. Maybe will be. I don’t know. Who can see the future?
Hey, are you upset? Try practicing not letting it show on your face. That one can be a lifesaver.
Poor, sweet white guy. It’s awful to imagine that someone might treat you how you’ve always treated everyone else. If anyone had even tried to explain to you what it’s like to be marginalized, you might at least know what’s coming. Let me take this final opportunity to apologize. Now, chin up, snowball. White men have always been resilient. You might just find that the new way is not only going to be the best way, but also the scientifically and inherently only true way, one that only a selfish insane sub-person would challenge. I believe that with the right attitude towards the crippling theft of self that you’re about to experience, you will be able to carve out a place in history and inspire us all with your capacity to silently, ornamentally endure.
Cara Blouin runs the Art Church of West Philadelphia, a gathering space for art and community, and is a freelance director and new-play dramaturg. She is best known in Philadelphia for producing Dan Rottenberg is Thinking about Raping You and The Republican Theater Festival. Other Philadelphia credits include Josh Hitchens’ The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (Curio Theater,) and the world premiere of Joy Cutler’s Pardon My Invasion. Cara is the facilitator of “The Souls of Black Folk” series for new plays at the Painted Bride Art Center and has served as a teaching artist at Drexel University and the Community College of Philadelphia. She was also the founder of the New York-based Stone Soup Theater Arts, and the Universal Culture School in Hunan, China, which teaches English to Chinese teenagers using an arts curriculum.