Archive for the ‘movies’ Category

Cara Blouin

Here is a quote from Manohla Dargis’ review in the New York Times of the movie “Boyhood,” by Richard Linklater, which — as I am sure you have heard — used the same actors over a decade to tell the story of the life of a single child:

It’s no surprise that watching actors naturally age on camera without latex and digital effects makes for mesmerizing viewing. And at first it may be hard to notice much more than the creases etching Mr. Hawke’s face, the sexy swells of Ms. Arquette’s belly and Mr. Coltrane’s growth spurts. You may see your own face in those faces, your children’s, too.”

I am not familiar enough with the sexy swells of my own belly to know whether or not I could have had some deeper human experience by identifying with those of Patricia Arquette. But I did not actually see my face in the two mentioned, because my face is female.




You know, it’s more than a little bonkers that we’re going to see Rocket Raccoon and Groot the Sentient Tree in the movies before we see Wonder Woman, that we got two Tomb Raider movies and an adaptation of a board game, they’re going to do Batman vs. Superman and probably the Flash, a prequel to Alien that nobody was asking for, THREE Hobbit movies, et cetera and so forth.  Wonder Woman is a well-known property.  It is insane that Warner Brothers thinks they can’t make a Wonder Woman movie that would be good!  I mean, first of all, it CAN’T be that they think they can’t make a GOOD movie, since producing a movie against all prevailing signs against its quality has never even slowed down a major movie studio.

But still, though, it can’t be that hard, right?  To make a Wonder Woman movie that isn’t terrible?

Well, wait, let me see if I can do it.



For Dramaturgery this time, I’m going to forgo dramaturgering Man of Steel, since plenty, PLENTY of people have already worked on it, and Holland has already stolen my gimmick title.  INSTEAD, I am going to use my INVINCIBLE ATOMIC INTELLECT to put together a treatment for the sequel to Man of Steel (Man of Steel 2: Man of Steelier), one that both continues with the plot and characters established in the first movie, but also solves all of the problems that those guys created by maybe not thinking very hard about Superman.

[Bear in mind, before we continue, that this is me thinking my way through it.  This is less a treatment than it is a sort of off-the-cuff hypothesis about what the first draft of a good treatment would maybe look like.]


Anyway, for this brief moment, I thought: What if right now, just before these bros could get into their giant robot, the monster struck, and it ate every single one of them? And it turned out the whole film was actually about an entirely different set of characters?


I saw Oblivion the other day, and will now write about it. This isn’t strictly a review, and it isn’t strictly dramaturgery, but I will review it a little bit, and I will also do dramaturgery on it, so stick around if you like either of those things.

SPOILERS FOLLOW. Serious spoilers, don’t read ahead if you want to be a little surprised.

Chris Versus the Movies: Brave

Posted: November 18, 2012 in Braak, movies

Wait…hold on.  What?  What…?

Are you fucking kidding me?


I am going to discuss The Dark Knight Rises at length, now, and I am of no mind to be careful about what I reveal — like I’ve said before, I don’t really “review” things, like, “Should I go and see this on Saturday?”  Yes, you should go see The Dark Knight Rises.  That is my review.  What follows here is a discussion of the movie, and to that effect you must understand that there will be Spoilers, and this entire opening paragraph before the jump is actually just an extended Spoiler Warning, and I don’t want to hear any of you punk suckers crying to me if I reveal that Hulk punches Thor or something, all right?



QUICK! I am writing down all of my thoughts about this before I have time to organize them. Spoilers follow the jump, DON’T READ THEM unless you have seen the movie. It is a pretty good movie, and it is worth seeing, and don’t find out anymore about it than that.

“I just think the lower back is the most revealing part of any character.”

“Fuck the fight director, no one wants to see what that fight looks like.”

“God damn, Elizabeth Banks has got a hot god damn earlobe.  Look at that earlobe!”

“We’re gonna shoot the other side of this guy’s head eventually, right?”

“Where’s…did I finish all the bourbon?”

“We can focus this in post, right?”

“There’s no way they’re going to use this take.”

“Fuck the costume designer, no one wants to see their clothes.”

“Whoooop!  Haha, almost dropped it!”

“Hey, I think if I zoom out, I can get everyone’s head in frame…aaah, fuck it.”

Released in the United States as John Carter, even though he is definitely of Mars. This is a pretty good movie, about a Civil War veteran who, via some kind of magical scientific process, is transported to Mars, where he gains the power of LEAPING, and uses it to fight some giant green Martians, and also Sab Than, the ruler of a city that wanders across the Martian desert preying on smaller, weaker cities.