Threat Quality Press

Braak: 1. Guys at Sam Ash: FUCKING ZERO!

Posted in Braak with tags ahahahah!, Braak on November 9, 2009 by threatqualitypress

So, it’s important for you all to know. I have, since birth, been a tinkerer. I know, it seems weird–how can a guy SO BRILLIANT in intellectual pursuits also be handy with tools and crafts and such? Well, your skepticism is warranted, as I’m pretty lousy at fixing things. Seriously, this guy? That’s me.

But the fact is that I like trying to fix things and build things and improve things, and so when a problem comes up, it is I, Braak! who steps up to the plate. All of this brings us to Jeanine’s guitar.

1 Comment »

The Life of John Henry

Posted in Braak on November 6, 2009 by threatqualitypress

Some day, your children will ask you, “Where were you when Chris Braak CHANGED THE FACE OF THEATER FOREVER?” You had better be able to tell them you were right there, at the world premiere of The Life of John Henry. If not, how will you withstand the shame in their eyes, as they look upon you, a parent who has finally failed ultimately after so many small failures, finally revealed your complete lack of cool? Your children will say they love you after that, yes, but…deep in your heart, you’ll know that they don’t mean it.

Where’s that fourth ‘Burn Down Bloody Twilight’ preview?

Posted in Threat Quality on November 5, 2009 by threatqualitypress

I know, I know, you’re all clamoring for just one more preview of my NEW NOVEL, Burn Down Bloody Twilight - presumably, so you have one more chance to know if you want to order the book – for the low, low price of $8.41, no less. (Obviously, you were leaning in the direction of “Yes, I believe I will buy it for such a reasonable price,” but I like the buyer to be prepared.)

But there has been a bit of a goof regarding the printing, so it has been temporarily – SO, SO temporarily – put on hold, until it can be sorted out.

(The long and short of it is, make sure you are publishing from the final edited draft before you announce going to print. Pulling out excerpts alerted me to enough little errors that I realized I was NOT, in fact, working with the final copy – which, regrettably, is on my home laptop, which is A) at home, not here with me in Austin, and B) kind of having some trouble turning on – a situation this seems a good enough excuse to rectify.)

So expect it NEXT WEEK! Which means a couple more preview pages. Oh, JOY!

What I’ve Learned About Austin So Far

Posted in Threat Quality with tags Austin, Jeff Holland, Threat Quality, Whataburger on November 5, 2009 by threatqualitypress

I do not travel well. Ten hours of flying (absolutely crushing my inner ear in the process – meaning I was hearing as if underwater for the majority of last evening), and I have no interest in where I’ve arrived, or in anything, really, other than acclimating to my hotel room, and fast food.

I can’t imagine this is all that strange. I’ll get the city under my feet LATER. Right now, gimme something familiar. Find me a Wendy’s. So why is it I have yet to visit a hotel that has a readily accessible fast food joint within a block – which is usually as far as my body can carry me after a long flight?

So thank you, Austin, for killing two birds with one stone – feeding me shitty fast food before I collapse, and delivering a regional fast-food burger I don’t have where I’m from: Whataburger. A burger SO heroic, it shares a logo with Wonder Woman.

(And Weezer. And most of West Virginia.)

Which is not to say it was good. The bacon cheeseburger was aggressively mediocre – which is to say, it was only okay, but it was also Really BIG. And it was made to order. I don’t know how much effort went into re-heating a patty, but they sure put their hearts into it.

One day I will eat at an In-N-Out Burger. Oh yes. Once I find a conference in California I can actually justify going to, I believe I will have taken care of all the major fast food chains.

(Like I said, I’m not a very good traveler.)

7 Comments »

Burn Down Bloody Twilight: Preview 3

Posted in Threat Quality with tags Burn Down Bloody Twilight, Jeff Holland, Threat Quality on November 4, 2009 by threatqualitypress

And now, the third of four preview excerpts from “Burn Down Bloody Twilight,” the forthcoming novel by Jeff Holland and published by Threat Quality Press. (ON SALE FRIDAY)

It is an epic and yet easily accessible fantasy-adventure yarn (can epics take place over the course of three days?) with soldiers, pirates, zombies, alarmingly profane magicians, and stoned warrior-monks. And here’s a bit from the fourth chapter:

Chapter 4: Customer Relations

Cord grunted angrily and leaned back into his chair. After several minutes of sitting with his arms crossed, frowning as hard as humanly possible, he picked up his book, flipped it open, and stared at words he didn’t absorb. Failing that, he shut the book and threw it at the far wall. It just missed a customer sitting at the head of a table in the opposite corner.

Startling him enough to spill his beer on his lap.

2 Comments »

An Open Letter to Maine

Posted in Braak on November 4, 2009 by threatqualitypress

Rather, an open letter to the narrow margin, of approximately one quarter of the population of Maine, that voted to repeal the gay marriage law.

6 Comments »

Burn Down Bloody Twilight: Preview 2

Posted in Jeff Holland, Threat Quality with tags Burn Down Bloody Twilight, Jeff Holland, Threat Quality on November 3, 2009 by threatqualitypress

And now, the second of four preview excerpts from “Burn Down Bloody Twilight,” the forthcoming novel by Jeff Holland and published by Threat Quality Press. (ON SALE FRIDAY)

Chapter 2: The Glory Road to Admiral Mudd’s Lament

Quinn hoped it was a good day, and marched up to Admiral Mudd’s Lament, a hole in the ground – literally – that Cord saw fit to call a bar. From the outside, it was nothing special or unusual. Bricks, mortar, and a hastily-painted sign, hung four feet high. On the inside, after marching down six steps, pretty much the same, without the sign. A fireplace in the center of the room. Small windows, barely the width of her own narrow shoulders, situated along the ground outside, letting in little creaks of light. Less a bar so much as a very inviting cave, atmospherically speaking.

The First Lie

Posted in Threat Quality on November 3, 2009 by threatqualitypress

Somewhere between the release of The Invention of Lying, the recent study that dogs are capable of deception (though NOT good ol’ Molson, who only WISHES he had a two-year-old child’s intelligence…or at least one more treat), the constant barrage of retarded and yet somehow accepted untruths regarding (oh just to pick a topic) healthcare reform, and Patton Oswalt’s (highly recommended) latest comedy special, a thought occurred to me:

What was the first lie?

And I don’t mean the simple version your average toddler can come up with (saying “no” instead of “yes” – though, man, if you want to boil a lie down to its simplest form, that’s pretty much it, isn’t it?). I mean something a little closer to Oswalt’s “sky-cake dodge” that created religion in order to keep the thugs in line (while clever and hilarious, I have the feeling it’s not exactly historically based).

9 Comments »

Burn Down Bloody Twilight: Preview 1

Posted in Jeff Holland, Threat Quality with tags Burn Down Bloody Twilight, Jeff Holland, Threat Quality on November 2, 2009 by threatqualitypress

And now, the first of four preview excerpts from “Burn Down Bloody Twilight,” the forthcoming novel by Jeff Holland and published by Threat Quality Press. (ON SALE FRIDAY)

Chapter 1: Captain Mene’s Final Assessment

It took him over an hour of fighting, but Victor Mene, captain of the Royal Guard of Western Sun, had finally made his way to the edge of the kingdom. His armor was spattered in blood. The blood was more gray than red.

One of his soldiers stepped before him.

Mene greeted him formally. “Sergeant Colby. Good to see you.” He firmed his grip on his sword. “I’m sorry.”

And then Victor Mene swiped his sword and took off the man’s head, as another of his men approached.

4 Comments »

Man, Warcraft is Depressing Me

Posted in Threat Quality with tags Braak on November 2, 2009 by threatqualitypress

Here I am, running around some crazy demon dimension, and the trolls there say to me, “Hey, these little frog-guys, whose civilization was decimated by demon-monsters, have magic totems that we’d like to study. Go get some for us.” And I have to go and kill these little frog guys to get ten totems. But, not everyone has totems, so I have to kill, like, forty of them in order to do it.