Dodge Charger: For the Man Who Hates Everything

Posted in Jeff Holland, Threat Quality with tags , , , on February 9, 2010 by threatqualitypress

Superbowl commercials do tend to further the narrative of men as boorish, stupid, overly obsessed with shitty beer and loyal to a fault to their tortilla chips. Also: Women are just awful, awful people who do nothing but get in the way of men’s joy.

(Assuming this joy is unrelated to The Watching of Boobies, in which case women do a lot to help in commercials – but they could be doing so much more. DAMN YOU, FCC!)

But the general horror-show that is ad agencies’ idea of how men view themselves reached its apex with the seething, dead-eyed rage of the Dodge Charger commercial.

It caught me off-guard at first, because, well, “Man lying in bed with droll narration” could be a lot of things, and frankly I’d tuned out after watching Betty White get tackled anyway. So it took me a moment to realize what was happening here. But by the time the camera shifted to a third dead-eyed (Zach Galafianakus-esque) man’s internal bitterness at a life that asks him to Do Things, I started to pay a little more attention. (See the commercial after the break.) Read more »

Some Notes About the Superbowl

Posted in Braak with tags , , , on February 8, 2010 by threatqualitypress

I watched the Superbowl, and had a pretty good time.  I rooted for the men with the blue hats until late in the fourth quarter, when I switched to rooting for the men in the gold hats.  The men in the gold hats won!  I was very happy about that.

Watching the Superbowl, I have had some thoughts that future Superbowl administrators may want to take into consideration.

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Braak’s Guide to the Superbowl, for Men Who Don’t Care About Football

Posted in Braak with tags , , on February 7, 2010 by threatqualitypress

Here’s the thing about the Superbowl:  some people like it.  It is important to them!  I’ve never really understood this; it’s not like, if one team wins then their quarterback is made king of America.  It’s not like if the Saints win we’ll be guaranteed bountiful harvests for a year.  Shit, at least the fucking GROUNDHOG has CONSEQUENCES.

Since all of my letters to the Government suggesting that the coach of the winning Superbowl team should be given one of Washington DC’s two Senate seats have been returned (UNOPENED, I should add), I have decided to make this guide, for men like me, who will be expected to watch the Superbowl, even though we don’t give a rat’s ass about football.

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What is this?

Posted in Threat Quality on February 5, 2010 by threatqualitypress

Is it a sneak peak of “The Hangman’s Daughter” over at the Black Gate website?

I guess it is.

On the Principle Motivating Spirit of Monsters

Posted in Braak, poetics on February 4, 2010 by threatqualitypress

All this talk about evil got me thinking about monsters.  I’m going to eventually have to write more about evil — I still don’t like it, either as a qualifier or as a story-telling element, but I think this must be a personal preference, and resolution will require substantial introspection.  In the meantime, I’m going to take an old theory I worked on in college, dust it off, and pretend like I thought of it just now.  It’s about monsters, and the different kinds that there are.

This is not, by the way, monsters in real life:  Hitler or serial killers or Jeff Holland, or whatever.  This is monsters in the arts.

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On LOST

Posted in Braak with tags , , on February 3, 2010 by threatqualitypress

Did you watch  the season premiere of Lost?  Did you talk about it with your friend?  Did you HUNGER for the discussion that I, Braak!, and my atomic super-brain can provide?  Fear not, fearless reader, for I bring considerable consideration to the subject!

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In Memoriam: Kage Baker

Posted in Threat Quality on February 3, 2010 by threatqualitypress

I Have a Theory

Posted in Action Movies, Jeff Holland, Threat Quality with tags , , , on February 2, 2010 by threatqualitypress

See, the goggles tell you I'm SINISTER. The goatee doesn't hurt, either.

It is a truly vile, evil theory, and if I’m right, I am quite impressed.

Now, as is well known in certain circles, I am what is generally referred to as an “evil genius.” One might even use the term “diabolical miscreant” but I don’t want to put words in anyone’s mouth (…yet! Moo-hoo-ha-ha-haaa). Point is, yo, over here: supervillain. Henchmen, complicated machinery (see this Thursday’s post!), all of that jazz. I gots it.

In fact, “Threat Quality Press” is merely a shell corporation for my real sinister endeavors. (Yes, just like the Mars Corp. backed Cobra. They got the idea from me, I swear.) I reveal all this so you know I have what the commoners who will soon be GROUND BENEATH MY POINTY EVIL BOOT-HEELS WOOO-HOO-HAAAA (sorry, habit) refer to as “cred.”

Now, before I begin unraveling my diabolical theory, congratulations are in order. So, from one evil genius to another: James Cameron? I salute you, sir.

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More Brain Stuff

Posted in Braak, miscellanea on February 1, 2010 by threatqualitypress

I don’t know, I’m just playing around here.  Maybe you will find something useful!  Probably not.

I wrote the other day about making an interface between your brain and common household objects, like your car, or google, or the googlemobile.  But how do you build an interface that relays information BACK to your brain?

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On Mr. Stitch

Posted in Threat Quality on January 31, 2010 by threatqualitypress

Done.

What?  Oh…what?

DONE YOU PUNK SUCKERS.

[update:  WHY IS THERE NOT MORE FANFARE? There should be trumpets or something.]